Merry Christmas. Period.

Life is nothing if NOT uncertain. True story. 

And just when you figure it out, it WILL change. Fact. 

So it goes with trying to use cruise-control through peri-menopause. Take for example men-stroo-ey-shuhn, which is defined as: “the periodic discharge of blood and mucosal tissue from the uterus, occurring approximately monthly from puberty to menopause in non-pregnant women” (dictionary.com)—aka the “period”.  

I had my last period in October—over one-hundred days ago. Then on Christmas eve Santa made a special delivery. How he shimmied down the chimney holding that, and slipped it into my stocking(s) without me noticing, I will never know. And such festive colours!

Did you know that during a normal period, average blood loss is only two tablespoons? I know! But, hold onto your measuring spoons because peri-menopause marks one of the times of heaviest flow in a women’s life. Halle(effing)lujah! And here is the reason why. I haven’t missed any periods, my aging body just forgot to let the lining go, and stacked one layer on top of another, like a blanket on top of a fitted sheet on top of a mattress pad. When the uterus wakes up and remembers its job, it is extremely irritated. It looks around and says, “Who filled up my nice cozy womb? Don’t you know I’m going for minimalism decor?!” In its anger, the uterus contracts, giving its owner labour-like cramps, and the feeling that the sky is falling. 

Missing two-and-a-half periods—though pleasant—is not really worth it. One can no longer even refer to the phenomenon as “a period”; it is more like an apostrophe that has been booted out of a contraction causing a very quick and uncomfortable expansion. It feels as if an invisible hand has turned the valve on a fire hydrant, thus releasing a powerful gush. Seriously!—walking around with a gushing red fire hydrant between your legs makes life a lot more complicated. For one thing, it is definitely not very sexy, no matter how you dress it up. Moreover, the risks of hypothermia go up exponentially, should the gush begin when you are out in -20 degree weather walking the dogs. Also, dehydration…just think about it. 

So, what’s an aging gal to do? 

Well, there’s hysterectomy and endometrial ablation, but those both seem a bit extreme. 

Why not hormone therapy?— in the form of birth control pills (contraindicated in anyone over 35), or progesterone (side effects include: abdominal cramps, depression, dizziness, headache, anxiety, cough, diarrhea, fatigue, musculoskeletal pain, nausea, bloating, emotional lability, and irritability—a cake walk given the other benign symptoms of peri-menopause). 

Since heavy bleeding is considered when one uses more than twelve regular pads or tampons in the FULL course of one’s period—I’ve decided to buy shares in Kotex™. Either that, or I’ll get me a pad-ded room!